Dear Ah Hock
By Royce
Jun 10
Dear Ah Hock,
When we first met, you did not know me and I guess, you did not want to know me. You were happier off being in your own world, with people you were more familiar with.
But from the day I first met you, I knew that I had to take care of you. Even though it was fate that brought us together, I knew that you were going to be a challenge and honestly, I was scared. Really scared of having to deal to handle your whims and fancies.
But I had no choice. For it was decided somewhere else in this vast universe, that you were for me and I were for you.
On the first day of camp, I welcomed you, hoping to carry your bags. But you refused. I asked you if you were feeling good, whether you were having a good sleep. But all that met my eyes was the side of your face, for you always turned your face away whenever I spoke to you.
As we played games in the sun, I thought you might have enjoyed yourself. But you gave this indifferent look, sometimes to the extent of contempt at the futility of the games. And when I asked you if you were enjoying yourself, you just shrugged your head before looking away again. It was such a bitter-sweet feeling, knowing that you at least bothered to respond. Yet, I couldn't help but being frustrated.
I'm sorry that I was impatient. I expected you to behave like a normal person, when I simply knew that this was not the case. I expected this from you, that from you, without reflecting on myself and my selfish love. Was it even love or duty, actually?
My only comfort came when you at least bothered to respond to the centre staff who talked to you. And through them, I found out about your moods, your likes, your dislikes and about you. Yet, on another level, it hurt so bad that I couldn't learn it straight from you. I didn't want it to work this way.
Finally, in the afternoon, you opened up with a laugh. You laughed at me getting splashed with water in the pool. You have no idea how stunned I was, yet at the same time, sincerely happy to hear you laugh.
We splashed each other with water freely, without fear that you might suddenly flare up. Yet, it was also because the centre staff was nearby that I dared take this step, because I knew they could pacify you if anything happened.
Just before dinner, you said you wanted to eat an orange. I got one for you and independent you decided to peel it by yourself. And I stood there, watching you peel it. After you were done peeling it, you broke it into half and gave half of it to me. You raised my heart to a level I had never thought it would reach before, by letting me know that you bothered.
Yet, later on, that night, when I tried talking to you again, asking you if you wanted to dance, you conveniently ignored me, like the morning again. It pained me.
Then somehow, later in the night, as everyone was going to sleep, you said you did not want to sleep. You did not feel sleepy and you started sharing about your own life, the life you led before. I found out that you were a coffeeshop assistant, that you earned your own living and that you took public transport. Your independence really impressed me, you really did.
Yet, at the same time, I realised that it was your independence that made you angry everytime I asked/pleaded you to do something. You wanted to be free. Yet I wanted you to do what everyone else was doing.
In the end, I did not want to make you angry. I decided to give you the freedom you wanted. Every time you wanted to go off somewhere by yourself, I tried to persuade you not to. But if you ignored me, I did not try any further. I just followed you quietly from the back. Just happy to be quietly seeing you from a distance, knowing that you are safe and sound. Today, I still don't know if what I did was correct. My friends said that the camp was meant to teach you how to live in a community, to follow the boundaries and the rules. But what could I do if this made you angry? I didn't want you to ignore me.
The second day, we did high elements. You were initially apprehensive, like with all things that you had not tried before. You said you were scared. I understood. But still, I managed to persuade you to change into your track pants.
And boy, you don't know how happy you made me when I saw you getting all excited about the whole thing later on. You encouraged other people on as they climbed to the top. You guided them, supported them from the bottom and basically, acted like an elder brother to the younger ones. Your simple grunts of "Come on" and "Good job", the high fives you gave all those who completed the obstacle courses, the hand you stretched out to reassure others not as brave as you. I really felt proud to have you as a buddy.
And later, you chose to go up the five metre high balancing wire with me. You looked so happy and I was happy too that you trusted me so much to want to go up with me. While on the balancing wires, you held me tightly but still we fell. We fell at least four times, with our legs hanging over the wires. But every time we fell, we fell together and stood back up together again, with the help of the supporting cables.
When we completed the whole length of it together, I was so relieved. I told you to give a thumbs-up to all our group members cheering us on from below and you did. So readily that it warmed my heart even more. And after we reached the ground, we gave our high fives and then, I initiated a hug with you and you hugged me. I really felt loved. Thank you so much.
But lunch came and soon after lunch, you fell into your unfriendly and "dao" mood again. I did not hold it against you because I knew that like you, I also have my mood swings. And how could I hold it against you even, knowing that you might not even have full control over your own faculties.
But what stung me real bad was when you started going around to other people after dinner. You talked to them and gave them high-fives so readily when they initiated it. Yet, you ignored me every time I tried to talk to you. When asked why you went over, you even told some of them to the extent that you had no friends and no one wanted to talk to you. You said all these, as I sat just right behind you, making sure that you were alright and occasionally asking you if you were thirsty and needed water.
On the surface, I consoled myself by saying that it did not matter whether you ignored me or not, as long as you were happy. But honestly, it really stung.
Later on, during the campfire, you continued your attention strike against me. When I tried to guide you to sit down near the rest, you purposely sat away. I followed you. But when I sat down next to you, you got up and walked away to sit elsewhere. This was like the first day all over again. You made me question where all the effort I put in for the past two days have gone.
It was only when someone else got you to dance to the music that you opened up, that you smiled again. Jealousy comes naturally to people and I am no exception. It pained me to see you have so fun with other people and ignore me, your supposed buddy, so conveniently. Only you would have this ability to make me feel absolutely useless.
At the same time, I was beginning to numb my heart to getting ignored by you. I was fencing my heart up so I need not feel the sting that bad anymore.
Looking back, this whole thing was just to make you happy. I got it wrong. It was never meant to justify my self-worth, never meant to make me feel loved. Simply because you deserved it more than me. On some level, I always wanted you to reciprocate and when it did not come, I felt disappointment that should never have been.
Anyway, soon, I got you to bathe and sleep with the help of the centre staff. My only hope was that you would wake up in a better mood so at least we could end the camp on a good note.
And I'm thankful you woke up the next morning with a "good morning, uncle" greeting. I find it so cute how you call me "uncle" while i call you "ah hock". The last day was short and was filled with packing and simple card making.
But you did so without ignoring me and occasionally asking me questions, some of which I did not understand. But I still nodded because I feared you getting frustrated at being not understood. You were smiling on the last day. I felt happy again.
When they gave out photos taken of us together, you took your copy of the photo more than readily. You said you wanted to keep it. Then you even initiated writing your own name down on a piece of paper for me, like a farewell gift you would leave for me. Illiterate, you wrote the only words you most probably ever learnt, for me.
And when leaving, I told you something from the bottom of my heart. I said, "I will miss you". I honestly will. And you pointed to your head and muttered something about how you would remember me. You even gestured to me, asking me to visit you.
And I couldn't help but cry. (Sigh, I can't believe I'm saying this here) I cried knowing that we were going back to our own worlds again and that I would never get to spend so much time with you again, experiencing the emotional roller-coaster ride you brought me on, getting to follow you quietly from the back and making sure you're alright, filling up your water bottle for you and seeing you drink it down so heartily.
Finally, you bade us farewell with a smile across your face, even in your eyes. I keep saying this but really, you made me feel happy that you eventually came to this camp. And guilty that part of me didn't want you to come at first.
It had been such a long time since I experienced such an emotional farewell.
After you left, when I remembered what the centre staff told me about you being cheated by other people when you lived by yourself in the past, I also thought about the place you and the other beneficiaries held in the larger society. I started thinking about whether they would accept you all and empathise with you all that readily. I also had in mind the higher-functioning beneficiaries who told me about how their fast food restaurant bosses scolded them very often and made them sad.
Perhaps, the reason that you all have to live in a world of your own is simply because the larger world out there was not ready and mature enough to accept you and love you for who you are. You are so much like us, only more simple-minded, open with your emotions and perhaps, less able to put on appearances to be someone you're not. In some way, you all are like little kids that don't get to grow up.
My only hope is that easily contented, you will find happiness in your own world. In the simple things like good food and nice stickers. Blessed are those who contend themselves with the simplest things in life.
I write this, with the hope that I will never forget this emotional roller-coaster ride you brought me on and that others and I will never forget that there are beautiful people like you out there in the world that too deserve our love and attention.
